Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
