Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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