I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
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