is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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