I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Two words: nipple clamps
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