I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
