how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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