I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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