Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
