Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How external is "for external use only"?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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