there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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