oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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