Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
