You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
