nut hugger
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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