my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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