I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
