So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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