70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
