And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
