I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
