If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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