i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish you could order shots online.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
