Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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