i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
