I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
