so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
