Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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