Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
