so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
