dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
