If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
