I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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