So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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