Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
