apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
