I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
