Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
