I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
