I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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