i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
