so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
