so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
