my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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