If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
