just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
