you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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