of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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