i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
