life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Randomize
